Donnerstag, 21. Juni 2007
grrrr, s...
grrrr, snow is pretty to look at and all, but it may prevent me from taking my car back to school.=( it also kept me from seeing chad today. double =(well, i go back to nashville on monday and i haven't seen half the people i thought i would this vacation. there were so many people i wanted to hang out with but nothing worked out. i didn't go to any parties..mainly because i'm walking on a line with my parents and i didn't want to risk anything that could jeopardize my relationship with them anymore.i never thought i'd say this, but the party lifestyle is starting to get old. not the "parties" but the people and the drinking and all. drinking is fun, but after last weekend i thought the world would never stop spinning and it scared me. ignoring God is getting old too. i've been wanting to live my own life, with noone telling me what to do, not even Him. its so much easier in a way but so much harder being so stubborn. and acting so selfish makes me feel really bad about myself. its just, i'm afraid of not being able to have fun.i am selfish. i lie to my parents so i can do what i want. i lie to my friends so i won't look bad. i lie to myself so i can try to justify my actions. i've broken commitments to God, myself, and my parents.heh, i guess admitting the problem is the first step towards recovery, right?i think its time i go back to the way i used to be. i wanted to experience things, and i did. and i like the way it used to be better. i used to help people to help them, not so it could look good on my resume. i've hurt a few people, and i've gotten what i deserved. no i take that back, God has been merciful!
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I know what you mean about party life getting old. I want something even more solid in my life, too. People that I've met through being in this "world", so-to-speak, have taught me something...it's people you can hold a serious conversation with that will matter in life. Not the people you can only party with and drink with. I have a friend, her name is Megan, and everytime I'd be completely upset about something, she'd just turn up the music and ignore my pain. I figured out quickly---she's a Have fun type of girl. Then there's people like my boyfriend (Excuse me for mentioning his name again, and god forbid you call me stupid...) that can really relate to some things, that you can really hold a conversation with, and who genuinely DO care.Up until last saturday, I didn't think that I was ignoring God. I feel, also, that ignoring God is getting old. Something big and horrible happened over the summer and last saturday to me. And this is why that I, too, feel like ignoring God is getting old. I guess I was scared of Him...I've never really known him. And an Angel has been sitting right under my nose all this time.Jen, I'm not as stupid as you think I am. The only reason I speak of my boyfriend so much is because he is truly the only person who has ever stood by me through thick and thin. I know i speak like I'm totally dependant on him, and maybe for now, I am. But i at least know that when I need to depend on someone, he's there. And one day I won't need him anymore, and he'll still be there. Maybe not. But you shouldn't call me stupid because I truly love my boyfriend and I want people to know that. :o)
i got that today, too. sadly, someone had already told me about it and i barely got out a giggle.
i got that today, too. sadly, someone had already told me about it and i barely got out a giggle.
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